Well.. anything that i dont think is appropriate to the site...
im just gonna throw on here..
Fun stuff.
moreover, anything that might be too personal for the site.
this page can be found, but its invisible. if you find it, then kudos.
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APPARENTLY this needs to be clarified...
do you understand why i make this site?
For pity? love? sympathy?
no. a lot good that'll do me if no one knows my name.
i write on here because i want people to learn.
to learn from my mistakes. to know that maybe there is someone facing similar troubles. to help people find themselves or understand without having to go through everything i have. most often my long mood entanglements have a conclusion.. or result or realization that maybe will help some of you... if i want your pity or your love or you sympathy or your fucking allegiance, i would say my name, or tell all of you to talk to me, which is basically the opposite of what i want. people dont understand how much i DONT want to talk to them. i hate your constant emails. they annoy me.
telling me crappy advice on how to move past a past tragedy is just stupid.
i have no idea what your talking about and im pretty certain you dont either.
so just let it go. x/
i hate this. im tearing myself apart.
because that is totally new. [sarcasm]
i love elaina. i do. but... i dont know her...
how come everytime i talk to her i found out something completely contridicting who i thought she was?
its not supposed to be this way! why cant i just know her? why am i so bad at this?
its not that i dont know her... but its that i dont know her at all well enough!
every moment i find out something new. some aspect of her personality.
im realizing how she acts apparently different around me...
so i dont know her at all...
she is so amazing.. is my fault this is so bad?
to her nothing is wrong, but... its not like the girl ever realizes anything is wrong.
i think im just crazy. ive managed to ruin every other relationship.
its all in my head... but i cant let it go. i cant make it go away.
I DONT KNOW HER AT ALL!!! if thats true then how do i love her so much reguardless?
is my need for someone to be there so strong?
i need someone. i need someone to wake up for. someone to live for. someone to try for.
i need to know someone cares. thats the only thing that keeps me going.
the elaina i know is probably completely different from the one everyone else knows...
its not fair! why cant i just know who she is? why cant she just show me? why aren't i good enough?
why cant i just be happy with however the fuck things are? why am i even worrying about this? no matter what i doubt my mind will ever let me be happy...
i love her so much... but i cant talk to her about it.
she doesn't know me. i dont know her. but she actually says she loves me...
if i talk to her then she may just question all that i do... and then she will leave me...
i cant risk that... i cant be alone. i cant.
i want to know her so bad.
i want to know the girl that i innevitably dream about.
i have nightmares that she hates me. how pathetic is that?
my worst fear is that she will hate me.
more than being in school in my underwear.
more than falling off a building and hitting the ground.
more than axe murderers.
its just her hating me that would truely destroy me.
whenever i talk to her and she says i love you... i feel so good. but i hurt so bad. because i almost cant believe it... she doesn't know me... how could she love me?
and if she DID know me... she would see that there probably isn't anything to love...
what do i do.
i cant leave her.
i cant talk to her.
i cant be alone.
my mind wont just fucking leave me alone...
how do i ever expect to be happy? why do i even try?
i hate this...
Happyness is a false hope.
Individuality is a lie.
the meaning of life is so simple.
and cosmically you dont matter.
Im tired of sounding like some emo dike. but the fact remains true.
ill go into my first point.
HAPPYNESS IS A FALSE HOPE.
people find bliss in everyday life. but the fact is, your only happy if your not looking for it.
those who are unhappy, who are depressed, who feel like something is missing.. [like myself], maybe we are just looking at life too closely?
i mean the more you look for happyness, the more you question what you have, and the more illusive it will be.. it only makes sense. have i ruined my own perception of reality by letting myself believe there is more to life?
The meaning of life [to me] is to do your best to be happy. to try and find love. to try and be the person youve dreamed of. or really, to hopelessly aspire to be that guy in your head whom is so perfect and outspoken that you dont even stand a chance.
those who look for happyness will never find it.. i mean everyone is lacking something.
a grandfather, a dead friend, lost hopes and dreams.. the happy ones are the ones that are able to get passed it..
and while thinking about all of this.. i came to some other conclusions.
INDIVIDUALITY IS A LIE.
there is no such thing as individuality. at all. ever. there is nothing you can do about it.
it kills me. i cant pretend i have problems unlike others. everyone has the same problems!!
EVERYONE IS MISSING SOMETHING. i/you/everyone needs to get the fuck over it..
but i hate knowing that i am nothing new..
im nothing different. im nothing original. and nothing i do will ever matter.
you hear a lot of crap as a child... people saying that "there is no one else in the world like you.. you are SPECIAL".. there is no such thing. special only means different. and different is also a lie. no matter what you do, there will be someone, or a group of people just like you. past. present. or future.
All different is, is a comparison to your immediate surroundings. maybe your different in your one class. or that one workplace. or that one country. but somewhere else you are completely normal.
do you really think your different? do you really think that no one else in america has problems with their parents? that no one in europe has your same morals? that no one in your state has your sense of humor? do you really think that you are original?
tell me a sentence that has never before been spoken.
a thought that has never occured.
and even if you found the one glimmer that hasn't already been, it will eventually.
knowing we are all the same just makes me realize how pointless we all are..
people have the exact same ideas.
the guy who created the telephone, or the television, or the car... they didn't matter.
go back in time and knock them off. if they had never made that invention, do you really think that no one else would have thought of the same or a very similar idea?
maybe not in the same year. maybe not the same century. but you know that eventually all would be created by someone else. we as humans share the same brain structure. there are only so many possibilities..
its like some guy giving you 1000 legos. you could create SO MANY different shapes and creations with all of them. but there is still a limit to what you could do. even if there are 1,000,000,000 possibilities, its still a limiit.
People dont seem to understand this. there are the kids at school who consider themselves original..
YAY! you just bought a really cool bright blue and tshirt! its so colorful. and you are so original! JUST LIkE THE OTHER 10000 KIDS IN YOUR STATE ALONE THAT BOUGHT THE SAME SHIRT.
do you think your the only one who wears missmatched socks? the only one who wears there hat like that?? there are 360 degrees in the awkwardly shaped circle you call your head. do you really think that between now and the last 2000 years there is an angle yet to be hit?
There is nothing i can do. no moves to make me special. no skill to learn to make me interesting. no problem i can have that seems so important.
as much as i hate to admit it to myself.. no matter how much i hate what society is,
i am just like everyone else..
even if i created some new car motor. lord knows someone else would come up with it sooner or later...
dying your hair blue... getting a dragon tatoo, there is nothing you can do..
its all so pointless.
i need answers...
Reading over this peice of shit website makes me realize how immature i am/was.
i feel like im above all that logic. like all of those conclusions mean nothing anymore, though some still apply.
i almost just feel older. like that was never me. in fact i dont even think it was. =P
Heres a very similar thought with sa'more thinking.
i think my problem is that i expect too much. i expect a disney like love.. to expect something so powerful that it blows you off your feet. i think i do that with everything... i just keep expecting things to be so much better that i get so upset at the fact that their not.. i feel like i have no real reason to be upset... i mean i like anyone has reasons to be upset.. people have died friends have been lost but nothing so tramatically terribly has happened to me.. and i dont understand why i think myself into such a deep depression or i get so sad over the stupidest things...
the more you look for happyness, the farther away it seems.
the more you think, the worse itll get.
the more you cry, the more water you have to try to swim through, without drowning.
i feel like such a jerk... i mean people have so much less than i do, or they have suffered much more and yet they can smile without a second thought and move through the day completely content. what am i missing??
idk. im prettymuch swamped right now with homework that i refuse to do.. lll talk later..
I feel like such an outcast. i recently made a myspace. [how stupid am i?] and idk..
just seeing all these happy people with their friends. its so gay.
and seeing all these posers pretending to be what their not.
i just cant handle it..
my one friend has all these pictures of her and all her friends.. why dont i have that?
i dont have a bunch of friends.. i dont fit into a group. i miss all the great parties and best moments because of my parents. and i dont think id be invited anyway..
i just suck so bad. i mean i am up there in popularity i guess. like im not UNpopular. but i still feel like i have no one group to hang with. all my friends are spread out..
and this whole "girlfriend" thing... im done. i cant handle it.
i feel terrible. i cant decide who i want to be with, or who is best for me, or who would actually want me. i cant find my heart no matter how hard i try.
no matter what i decide to do someone is going to get hurt. someones going to hate me.. and the person that ends up with me will probably be the unhappiest.
even to the girl i like most.. i dare not even try, nor dare put myself upon her.
id just ruin her. i dont deserve her.
i hate people.
i hate me.
no wait. i love me. i just hate where i am right now.
thats better. x/
my friends and i are drifting apart. my best friend and i rarely hang out... and he is like the only real friend i have left other than like 2 others. [friends that you can hang out with]
everyone else id just feel weird hanging out with them outside of school, despite how much fun we have. idk. id just feel weird.
the only friends i hang out with are the ones i knew in elementary school.
despite the fact that i do have SOME friends, i really dont have one person i can talk too.
i hate this entry.
it seems very.. superficial. very fake.
im not always unhappy. just most of the time.
i have no need to impress anyone because no one reads this.
then what am i trying to prove?
i feel like im just totally out of it. asleep behind the wheel. just letting life pass me by. i feel like im just missing everything. all these problems are true. but idk if they are actually why im unhappy. i think im just throwing ideas out there to try and figure out why.
i love how im writing my train of thought.
i really should stop writing now. but im not.
i really just want to feel like i belong i guess. i want to know people care for me beyond the superficial "your funny".
i really wish someone actually knew me. but im just always to damn nervous to actually show the real me.
i suck so bad.
i gotta stop putting myself down.
maybe later.
-will right more.
-mephidos
Im decently sick of it...
i cant handle it much more...
i cant find my heart. it goes to one person, who hurts me, and then another, who does the same.
My friend had presented me with a question... would i ever commit suicide?
how much would it take to drive me to do it?
well... not much further...
but i doubt my ability to do it.
i tried to before. but i ended up writing a 6 page suicide note.
Covered in tears and blood, i felt the need to type it.
typed up six pages. spell checked it. ( im that compulsive )
Read over it. began to fully comprehend how much i suck.
shortened it to " FUCK IT. IM SORRY!
LOVE, *Meph"
then i just was too tired to do anything so i cried myself to sleep.
behold my oh so manly, emotionally strong, and mentally stable self. *Cough*
im decently certain that no matter how much i wanted to commit suicide,
my utter stupidity would get in the way.
Lately ive just been wondering why im not happy. (moreso than the norm.)
i have to question whats even wrong.
i mean im so unhappy... but i have to question whats so bad about my life.
when i look, i can directly point out things that made me the way i am.
but when i look deeper... my life isn't really that that terrible.
i mean my parents dont beat me, i dont starve, im of good health, and i have all the mortal possesions that i need...
whats wrong with me that i cant see the good as everyone else does?
what kind of epic failure am i?
i feel strange about this message. like i can only graze the surface. not dig down deep.
i hate how ive been looking at things...
Trees seem really pretty now.
the sky seems so blue.. the stars seem prettier than i remember them.
this sudden realization of how amazing nature is worries me...
i feel like a dead tree. like... one with no leaves. ever. other trees lose their leaves.. but get theirs back.
i never get mine... and never seem as pretty as the other trees.
i think if i was a tree... id have orange leaves. definitely orange.
all year long.
i find myself writing songs randomly. little lyrics on napkins and slips of paper. all with meaning, but never actually coming together to form one song.. moreover a bunch of songs i might finish later. i wrote one the other day, but it didn't really make sense.
its my least favorite song. but at least its finished...
its crazy retarded. i cant really make sense of it now, tho it seemed to make total sense at 3 in the morning.
it doesn't even have a main verse... so maybe its a poem? i dunno...
Oh fuck ill just post it.
Gray Doves & White Pigeons.
falling through the sky
and landing in my cubicle
i lean against my own silk web
i want to get away
loved ones lost
and the dying ones to be known
your hatred cant be hidden.
i feel lost and empty
in a river of blood
i see my sanity pass me by
the oak of the table
cant stop my dreams
from flooding in
and flying away
like its always done,
the start is never finished,
when your only just begun.
i want you to fufill
my last wish
and kill me before the dawn
marching bands and funerals
both bring a dreary crowd
avalanche and rainy night
its as cold as you can get.
like its always done,
the start is never finished,
when your only just begun.
i want you to fufill
my last wish
and kill me before the dawn
Bedtime is at 4 am
morning is at 6.
drowning in my own remorse
i cant stop this sinking ship.
~
Ill be honest. it sucks like hell.
i doesn't make any sense at all, and i change the pattern of writing like twice.
and i have no idea where in fuck the cubicle came from.
Despite my looming insanity, ive taken this opportunity to dive into my music, and ive been obsessed.
Oh. more stuff i feel a need to share.
i found songs that make me cry. (awesome?)
-Hear me now --Framing Hanley
-(Have to be heard in consecutive order) All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues --> Negative Space --> Priest in the matador --Senses Fail
-Curl up and Die --> Relient K
-Stay Together for the Kids --> Blink-182
Fun stuff.
I doubt this entry could be any more stupid.
so ill go into this.
theres this girl...
(how many happy endings and tragedies have been started with that same line?)
she seems similar. emotionally and verbally.
i sense a mask.
i can never find the right words to say, nor the right time to say them.
She'll probably hate me within the week.
--[ i hate how every girl i start to fall for... i do nothing but screw up with them. but the other girls im fine... i guess i just get nervous? damn i suck. ]
telling myself i suck could be detrimental to my self esteem.
pie could be detrimental to my health.
ill eat it anyway.
Insanely yours,
[M]~E~p*H^I)D(o=S
--i really hope i dont mess it up...; Shes different.
Im tired of wearing a mask.
faking smiles every day.
upkeeping that annoying happy demeaner.
lying through your teeth in and out of every day.
i cant keep it up.
i want to turn and run but i cant.
its so conflicting! part of me wants people to know whats wrong.
but part of me never wants anyone to know, and i want to keep it to myself.
its amazing how when someone comes over to talk to you, you want so much for them to stay, and so much for them just to leave you alone.
how can i love and hate someone so much??
im tired of the hollow shell i carry all day.
i dont know how to act around people. i dont know how to keep pretending.
i dont know why i bother.
-Mephidos
Why aren't i happy?
i keep coming to this question... and after hours and hours of thinking, i just come to the same conclusion.
its my fault.
everything thats wrong with my life is a complication of a previous action.
i COULD have tried harder with my parents.
i COULD have spent more time with dying loved ones.
i COULD have been nicer to my siblings.
i COULD have tried harder to maintain and make new friends.
i COULD have done anything.
I mean apperently, everyone is happy to some extent. and as im CONSTANTLY TOLD,
There are people worse off than me.
which i will admit to be true.
but i still feel like maybe im just missing something.
but i dont know what to do about it when i dont even know what it is.
i mean i just feel like something is missing. this emtpy space, a hole in my heart.
like you just want to try and find something to fill the void, but you dont know what was there, or even what could possibly make it go away.
Ive spent MANY sleepless nights sitting in the dark just THINKING what i could possibly missing, that apperently most of the population has found.
Love? Companionship?
Accomplisment? Power? Popularity? Riches?
Friends? Good Grades? Luck or Fortune?
I almost want to say that its love. the sense that someone cares...
but even when i HAVE that, the void is not completely filled...
what could i possibly be missing to make life seem so meaningless and empty??
Lately ive been trying too look back to where the void began... and im not really certain.
my life has been filled with death and loss... but others have lost more than i have, and they still have found at least some joy.
maybe.. im just in the wrong state of mind.
i mean someone with a happy or bright outlook can come out of any tragedy almost unscathed.
maybe im just too dismal... and im looking at life all wrong... even though i think im trying to be happy.. the dismal mindsetting is just ruining my life.. and blocking out everything thats good.
and im subconciously destroying my life? i want to be happy... i really do...
i want the void to go away... and whatever is keeping me awake at night to leave me be...
Everyone else seems to be happy.. or found something that keeps them going...
what secret have i not discovered? what answers have i not found?
What IS happyness?
i dont know why im writing this on here. i guess im hoping to try and find someone who actually understands.
part of me hopes im not the only one who feels this way.
and part of me hopes that i am.. i wouldn't wish this heartache on anyone.
May your life be far less complicated than mine.
-Mephidos
i have no idea what to do in terms of girls.
i just cant find the right one...
the pretty girls all know that they're pretty.
the ugly girls have either an insuperiority complex, or some other mental sickness that just bothers me to no end.
im looking for someone who can handle how messed up i am without giving me weird looks.
i want someone who is messed up as well.. ( is that weird? )
i mean i want someone i can relate too, and i can help as she helps me...
im not asking for perfect.
im asking for the opposite.
someone who is just as UN PERFECT as me.
Even when girls like me its meaningless when they dont even know me, and only like the facade i put up.
id give anything for a girl who could except me for all my faults, and hug me when its all over.
that sounds a lot less stupid in my head.
ive spent the last hour watching shadows dancing across my ceiling as a fan that im too lazy to turn off keeps spinning...
i feel like i never want to move again.
my breathing is slow, and my movement is slower.
with any luck ill stop breathing.
-Mephidos
I NEED it to be winter.
i love winter... its the only time of year where i can truely feel at peace...
Its so beautiful and symbolic and peaceful.
the snow on the roads and houses and trees and dirt and grass, and just everywhere...
its so perfect.
It kinda means a lot to me.
No matter how rough the terrain, it all looks beautiful with newfallen snow.
even when the snow is gone, you still know it was beautiful at one point.
and you know that someday it will be beautiful again.
its like no matter how much things change, they always go back to the way they once were.
i dont know what im talking to you about this.
take from it what you want.
but just leave me out of it. i have my own problems.
-Mephidos